The Life & Times of a Large Man

what does corperate clean mean?

2011-10-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

so alittle while back i was working at a comedy club in kansas city near chirstmas time and usually around christmas time they have corperate parties that buy out the comedy club and we need to do a show refered to in the business as "corperate clean". Now this just means no swear words, no overly sexual material pretty easy right? Well for one comic on the show it turned out to be more diffacult than he has anticipated. Our mc skip told us he did not have a clean set so what should he do? I said less is more don't say anything to cause problems he said ok got it. Then he proceeds to go on stage and say fuck 10 times and the n-word 11 times, needless to say he was reprimanded and told he was not allowed to do material the next night all he was allowed to do was announcments. So the next night he goes up and does just annoucments and gets off then after me he starts talking about how his wife is on meds that make her shit so when they have sex she poops on his alot. I was in shock i thought he had lost his mind he walk off the stage and the manager says "your fired" he said "thank you" and left. You got to admire him for standing up for dirty comedy. see ya next time kids chubby!!!!

My friends at the gym

2011-09-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just recently started to work out I decided that when I got winded going down the stairs it was time to do something. So when I signed up at the gym I got a free training session with a trainer to teach me the right exercises to reach my goals. When I met the guy he looked just like me. I started to question this guy, oh so I guess I get the fat guy for the free one then when I start paying then I get the guy who is in shape? I mean seriously what are you gonna teach me how to do just enough to get by? The best way to order pizza, come on. He was very put off by my questions he said I am a licensed trainer! I said are the people at the licensing bureau blind? So needless to say I have been doing it on my own and just enjoying the people that come to the gym. My favorites from the last three months, the guy who worked out in jeans and dress shirt way to be half in and half out. The tiny Asian lady that came in and just hit the treadmill like she was training for the iron man running like a 100 for 30 mins straight. The fat guy who fell off the bike, and the lady who was eating a sandwich on the elliptical machine. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my weight loss 16 pounds so far see ya next time chubby!!

Hookers Milwaukee Style

2009-09-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody sorry it has been so long since my last blog I have been busy with my lady and family stuff but I just recently working in Milwaukee and something happened that I needed to share. I was working with a very funny comic named Todd Lynn from LA and we were staying in the condo the comedy club put us up in and needless to say the area where the condo is not the best place not crack houseish but kinda bad. So the first day Todd was sitting outside on the front step enjoying the day and I should preface this story Todd doesn't see too well, but anyways an old man who I would guess is homeless or close to it asks him for a couple bucks Todd obliges and jokingly says "Don't you come around here anymore unless you got some hookers".
After the shows the next night me and Todd are in living room watching TV when you guessed it knock on the front door. I get up to see this guy and what I can only describe as fat Albert in woman form, the homeless guy says "Todd home?" I inform Todd his buddy brought him a hooker Todd laughed so hard he almost passed out he asked me what she looked like and I told him a woman fat Albert so he gets up and speaks to the guy I listen in I hear broken sentences like Hooker: "I take it in the butt" Todd: "That is not sweeten the deal". Hooker: "I'm real good you wanna sample?" Todd: "No thanks" Hooker: "What is your problem?" Todd: "I like my hookers to look like women" Hooker: "This big coat is covering up my body look at these tits" Todd: "All I see is two fat rolls with nipples" so after that comment some swear words flew on both sides and they left Todd came back in and we finished watching sex and the city. Fif Chubby!!!

here comes 2009

2009-02-09T12:34:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody I have not posted a blog in 3 months sorry. Lots has happened I spend my thanksgiving in new york with my oldest sister and her family. My three nieces are doing awesome you may know the twins my niece Rebecca O'donahue was on America Idol and both the twins have been in Twins Fear Factor, Rescue Me, and just recently "Now I pronounce you Chuck and Larry" with Adam Sandler. Look for there new film "Mardi Gras" coming out this fall. It was a nice thanksgiving had some drinks and my brother-in-law grilled the turkey outside (guess it is a new york thing). It was funny he puts on his best thanksgiving sweater and goes to work. Well the sweater was just washed and dried so when he leaned in to light the BBQ he lit himself on fire. You ever been at a party and just for fun you light a person's sock on fire and all the lint balls burn off? Imagine if that was a sweater and that is what he did. I looked out the window and saw him rolling in the yard and asked my sister if that was a thanksgiving tradition.

On the way home from that trip I got some bad news my dad was in the hospital with heart failure cause by pneumonia he was in the hospital for 7 days but he pulled through man that old Greek is strong "they hit'em with five shots and he's still alive!" for you godfather fans out there. Spent December with My dad, family and my girlfriend Anita. I had an awesome Christmas and New Years. I got a GPS for Christmas I will never look at a map again the best part is looking stuff up when your in a new town you know how long I would spend looking in the yellow pages for porn now it finds it for me so great what a time saver.

Me and Anita are still doing great I love her so much she is such an incredible person so caring and thoughtful oh and a knock out I am a very lucky man. She makes me laugh so hard she is so goofy like me we are a great fit. I had a show in a small town where I was headlining and she was there watching the show and she said something as we walked back to our room that made me think "it is kinda weird being with the comic" I said how so? she said "well most of my life people were with me like hey your with Anita that is awesome and at the show I'm with you does that make sense?" course at this point I am 4 jager bombs and nine beers in so I had no idea what she was saying but I agreed cause I wanted to see her naked but I get it now. We have talked about it since and I understand what she is saying because she is so great people always wanna be around her because she is out going and beautiful she really does light the room however that all takes a back seat when Papa Poolos rocks a comedy show just kidding. Stand up comedy is interesting though because like being in a band, stand up comedy is a very immediate cause and effect you do the show seconds later people can fawn over you and then a day later your yesterday's news. But it must be weird for people to date or marry a comic because even with acting in a show or a movie people can say hey great job playing that part in the movie but in stand up comedy and I think only in stand up is your show all about you, your points of view, your life and then people can respond to what you did so quickly. So for a couple hours in oconomawac, wi your a celebrity. I realize full well that most of the time I am with Anita however for those 2 hours when I am on stage rocking it and after the show I am shaking hands and selling shirts and being treated like a cured cancer ....................
..........she is with the comic sorry baby :p.

until next time people chubby!!!

Love and the road

2008-10-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

So here we are me and Anita are coming up on our 6 month anniversary crazy how time flies seems like we just met yesterday. When I am home we spent tons of time together I even sleep in a click clack sofa bed which is uncomfortable but I would sleep in it every night if it meant being close to my baby.

But right now it is tough cause I am on a 3 week road tour of Canada and this will be the longest we have been apart since we met. I miss her a lot everyday and I feel so lucky that she completely supports my career and she is dealing with me being gone a lot. This is also the first time in 5 years I have had a serious girl friend and people always say "oh you'll cheat" but I won't. I mean it is not like there are not beautiful women every where but I am not a cheater never have been I think you're either a cheater or you're not. Plus I have a huge guilty conscience (thanks mom) I mean it is huge last night I had a dream a dream that a women wanted my man milk and I turned her down in my dream damn Anita your hot ass is ruining my dreams but in a good way he he.

She is also dealing my family curse really well too. If you don't know my family is cursed with mild bad luck it is called getting "Poolosed" nothing horrible mostly things like we get the bad waiter, lose our keys, car breaks and most time it is ironic stuff like we wanna go to my girl friends favorite restaurant or bar and it is closed for remodeling. Sometimes it is bad last month we went to get a cat and I picked it out seemed like a good choice then I went on the road and it got sick and she had to return it. But I am so glad we found a new baby kitty he is a short hair tabby who we have named Mr. Burgandy after Will Farrel in Anchor Man.

I have two weeks left in Canada and then I head home to my hot lady. She is so amazing people always say sappy stuff like you'll know when it is love. But I have to tell you my friends you will know I can't imagine every not being with Anita, one time I had a dream we broke up and I woke up sick to my stomach and that is when I knew. That and when she showed me her boobies out of sight my man.

I love you Anita thanks again for finding me....

The monsoon, the crack house and the deer.

2008-08-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Last year I took a trip to Vegas with my brother and on the way I was going to do two gigs one in Shelby, wy and one in Colby, wy then it was off to Vegas on the way back I was going to do one gig in Malta, mt then head home on the road for seven days sounds easy enough well here comes the insanity.

Day One: Me and my brother decide to get a jump on our trip we will leave in the middle of the night and hit every casino on the way taking turns sleeping well we are on the road for 6 minutes and cue the hardest most violent rain storm every we keep going it takes 3 hours to make it 90 miles we make it to our first stop and rest for a bit. That was the first 3 hours and it gets way worse.

Day Two: The rain stops and we make some good time stop at deadwood and some other places it is a nice day we pull into Shelby, wy. We find our hotel provided by the comedy venue. I have had to stay at some bad hotels this one looked liked Lewis and Clark banged some prairie hoes in there in 1880. Spiders on the walls some one was murdered in the bathroom the room smelled like big foots dick lets say my brother was not happy he refused to sleep in the room so he slept in the car. At about 3am the police were knocking on his window asking him why he was sleeping in the car if he had a hotel room he just answered it's gross and went back to sleep, around 7am he showered at walmart and by showered I mean washed his balls in the bathroom with baby wipes.

Day three: On the road early after I showered with shoes and socks on and kissed the homeless guy goodbye who was living in the closet. After my show in Colby we decide to drive through the night again bad idea I fell asleep right away and my bro took truckers speed to stay awake when I woke up he so wired if he farted he would have flown out the window. I realized real quick we have a flat tire we get the spare on and the book says only go 50 miles and never exceed 60 miles an hour so here we are going 85 miles an hour and we have gone 100 miles so we are shitting cats looking for a tire place, luckily we find one get it fixed back on the road in 2 hours.

Day four - six: Vegas had a blast!!

Day seven: Do my show in Malta and decide to leave in the middle of the night quick tip never ever drive through Montana in the middle of the night we saw a hundred deer and it freaked us out so my brother and I decide we will flash our lights and honk our horn when we see a deer and that will keep them away we are idiots. So i guess honking the horn means "hey deer come run into my car" cause that is what happened we nailed a 12 point buck at 50 miles an hour and only lost the side mirror no shit we still don't know how we pulled that off. We sat at the next gas station looked over the car and soaked in all that had happened to us we laughed and decided as we climbed back into the car that maybe with all the bad things that had happened in the last seven days maybe we were quite lucky..... just then my brother backed into a light pole and we kept our mouths shut the rest of the way home.

that was all true......chat again soon chubby!!!

Put the real in reality

2008-07-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hey folks I am back to talk a little about last comic standing because it seems like some people don't know it is fake. By fake I mean that the show is cast and some of the out comes of the votes are fixed. I hate that they portray the show like anybody can be on the show when they can't. The worst part is comics that are extremely funny some times they use out of context clips to make them look like assholes. It is funny to talk to people after the show who say you should go be on that show like it is as easy as just walking into NBC and saying OK I would like to be on last comic standing where are the cameras? FYI some people are really stupid. It would be like someone walking into a hospital saying I love fixing people where do I start. It was kinda real in the first season when Dave Mordal was on and look what happened Dat Phan won. By the way Dat winning was a fix job too. FOX wanted to do a show with Dat so they told NBC if he won they would pay the prize money and tada Dat wins, when we all know Dave Mordal or Ralpie Mae should have.

Funny side story my buddy Jeff was in LA short time after Dat won he was playing Hollywood Improv and he was headlining and right before he was to on stage Chris Rock walks in and asks to go on for 5 mins which meant 40 mins. So Dat says sure go on warm them up for me so Chris killed and after he was done the entire crowd got up and left except for Jeff and his 3 friends and they sat there to force Dat to do 45 mins just to see him sweat and he said it was so sweet cause they were Dave Mordal fans and hated Dat Phan.

But now after that first season the people at NBC have realized that the only way the show can succeed is to put half famous well established comics on which is a great idea just don't pretend it is American idol and anyone can be on the show cause they can't. I mean they can be on the beginning parts where they make you look like a douche bag but who wants that? Funny enough some comics do. They were on the show for only like 18 seconds and got made fun of and they are really excited and put it on their resume.

So to those people that ask me when you gonna be on last comic standing unless I become managed by NBC probably never. Keep supporting live stand up comedy cause it is where comedy really happens where it is raw and uncensored and to tell you the truth there are so many funny talented comics out on the road who will never be on TV because of nothing more than they are never in the right place at the right time. Keep laughing Chubby!!!

My ass hurts.....Thanks Cupid!

2008-07-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well boys and girls it has happened Mr. P is smitten with a lady caller. I met her in Columbus Ohio of all places and she lives in Minnesota. She is amazing after a string of dating a ton of unavailable women what ever it was divorced, married, single mom, too far away, too many crazy pills, and just plan straight fucking nuts I started to give up. Then here walks in a gorgeous woman with a smile that could light the world to kick my life up a notch as the kids say. Her name is Anita and I find her intoxicating. (I know this blog is not that funny but I am trying to get laid so bare with me) it is just amazing. I think I became so obsessed with finding the right woman I think I became a little egotistical and did not believe that she would find me and guess what it happened.
So here is the story I am in Columbus working at the comedy club there and those of you that say fate is not real get ready to have your mind blown. So she loves Ohio state football she goes to Columbus a ton it is one of her favorite cities, she is there for work with a friend they walk by the comedy club says lets see the show. I go on stage and 3 mins into my set I say I'm from Minnesota (which I never say on stage) she cheers and decides I need to talk to this guy. After the show we chat about Minnesota have a drink there is an instant connection. The city she most loves in the world next to her home town of Warroad, MN she finds me there, it still blows my mind. It has been almost 3 months and we are really happy I even went to Warroad and met her mom and friends and she met my family. We have laughed, cried, kissed, lived, more in the last 3 months then I have with all my past relationships combined and for those that think that I have gone off the deep end suck it cause I am going off the deep end with an amazing woman.

Thanks for finding me Anita.

An Appleton a day does not keep the doc away

2008-06-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

I just got back home with great memories, a little money and possibly strep throat. The story starts on last Thursday I am working at the Skyline Comedy Club in Appleton, WI with Tommy Thompson from Minneapolis and Mario Digorgio from Austin both really funny guys it was a great show all week. So a group of ladies invite us to a bar named "Mr. Bigs" sounds like fun already, then they said the magic world "free drinks" yeah and I said magic "word" they were drunk. So we went so we could get some good stories and we did. We walk in pandemonium....ah life on the road. So the lady in charge says one free drink apiece so we drank then before I knew it that one turned into 7. Then this big drunk man goes to tap me on the shoulder which meant running full speed into me, apparently it was shot time, I do a yag bomb cause tequila make me throw up. Afterwards he wants to talk about comedy and his friend is so drunk he sounds like Brad Pitt in Snatch so I just walk away while he is in mid sentence he just turned and continued the story to his friends. I get back to my seat to find and older lady lets call her 109 wanting to work over the big man great but sorry don't do zombies. We chat and I said she had a nice tooth and she took this to mean we should get naked so we drink more she gets louder and more grosser then I realize it is time to not talk to her so I walk away. We decide were gonna leave she hugs us all and plants a cadaver kiss on me which I can only compare to the dementors kiss in harry potter and we left. The next morning I wake up with throat herpes thanks lady from Titanic. Friday and Saturday at the club I was sick delusional and not as funny but I pulled through and here I sit at home now a new hot girl friend who is amazing living ten minutes from me and I can't kiss her till I get the results from my strep test awesome thanks again for the throat herpes crypt keeper till next time.....chubby!!!

Dodge City and the ride home.....

2008-06-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

So last time I left you stoner and the fat man had split and I was on my way to dodge city Kansas the home Wyatt Earp. The show was crazy the whole crowd was Mexican the owner was Mexican and the headliner was Mexican and here I am mister whitie. I went up gave them my best stuff and I thought I died a horrible death I got off and the owner came up to me and said I quote "you a funny some bitch" yeah he said "some" and I said but they didn't laugh at all to which he replied well most of them don't speak English so don't worry about it but you killed then he bought 6 smilf shirts so i put that in the win column.
After dodge city I made the long drive home to have two weeks off from comedy. People ask what do you do with two weeks off I cleaned caught up on some work and spent a lot of time with my nephew I also babysat a couple times that was fun we went to the zoo and chuckie cheese the kid is awesome. It is amazing when you stop moving for awhile and realize where your life has gone how many things can change in that moment. Needless to say when I headed back on the road last week for my first gig in 17 days my life was quite a bit different in a good way new energy to take on comedy new jokes and a new lady in my life. So here I am back on the road I am at the skyline comedy cafe in Appleton Wisconsin this week one of my favorite clubs in the world the show rocked last night and I got heckled by a woman from Montreal Canada. It is good to be back. Get ready for some crazy road stories cause I have a feeling it is gonna be good.

The Last Ride?

2008-05-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks I just got doing a Stoner and the Fat man tour a show I co-wrote with Joe Cocozzello 3 of our songs from the show are on my new cd which drops Tues it was suppose to drop this week but I missed spelled Jagermiester so we had to stop the presses and redo it was my bad but stoner and the fat man one of the coolest shows ever and last night was no diffrent. We did 2 nights aberdeen and brookings aberdeen was fun brookings got a little crazy we were sent so many shots I lost count 3 wise men, girl scout cookie, red headed slut, jag bombs, tequila man I still hurt we sang songs that we never wrote and ended up in the bar kitchen eating ribs that were in a mans pocket (things you'll eat when you are drunk) I gave away shirts to people who bought me booze wild night awesome end to the tour.
Joe is moving to New york in a week and Stoner and The fat man are breaking up for now it is kinda sad but don't cry something tells me the stoner and the fat man will ride again. I have so much fun traveling with Joe it is never with out excitement. Today he needed to get home I needed to get to dodge city Kansas so Joe had to rent a car but had no credit card so I rented it and he drove it to Minneapolis talk about nerve racking I'm driving to Kansas Joe is driving my rental car to the Minneapolis airport I call him every 10 mins. So we came up with our drop the car off plan, he pulls in grabs his stuff drops keys in the box and runs doesn't stop for anything long story short it worked and I ended up making it to dodge city. Joe cracks me up he seems so world savvy then again he has no credit card no debit card and has never rented a car but he can sniff out greasy spoons and free cigarettes like a blood hound. Anyways I am hung over and going to bed oh and by the way I am not sure if letting some one drive your rental car is a felony so if any cops are reading this, these are just jokes tee hee.

The Birth Place of The Large Drunk Man

2008-05-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody this week I am working one of my favorite clubs one liners in greenwood, IN 10 miles outside of Indianapolis where I fell out of a vagina or was born. I have been working this club for 5 years now and it is also one of the last clubs in the country where you can smoke inside imagine that folks! Yes I was born in Indiana raised in Minnesota from the age of 2. I just spent some time at my favorite hang outs on the road walmart holy lord people need help i saw a women buying a 300 count of tampons and a 30 pack on toilet paper and I stared she said got to stock up the economy is going bad. Yes I know but why tampons and toilet paper wouldn't you think water and food but maybe she has some lower half body problem. I mean what am I talking about I was standing behind her with chips and twisslers I have my own problems. I just wish people would stop believe everything they see on TV like is Gospel people tell half truths and people do lie on TV. Before comedy I worked in TV news in St Paul for 4 years I watched people push important stories down in the news cast so they could get a shooting on first "if it bleeds it leads" true statement in TV news. They say things are running short gas, food, water and we go buy a ton of it hello that is the scam. I guess the moral of this entry is buy water and can goods not tampons and toilet paper save the trees.... Anyways signing off from Indy chat later.

Journey to the SMILF'S

2008-05-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

I am on the edge of finnally finishing my third comedy album in 7 years if you think about it a pretty amazing feat. The album is finished I am just in the final part of approving the album art and text it is gonna be the best album yet I am really proud of it. Not only does it have a full 30 mins of live stand up it also has 35 mins of funny songs with a ton of colaborations with other hilarious comics including Rob Brackenridge and Joe Cocozzello who helped create one of the most popular road shows I have ever been a part of called "The Stoner and the Fat Man" can you say standing o in grand junction colorado (I know it is like getting a blow job from a fat girl but still enjoyable). But the album will also include a full length dvd with an hour of stand up and an hour of clips of my in various commercials and the two indy movies I did like "Attack of the Killer Snow Cone Zombies" you heard right. My album drops May 13 so look for it. This has been a 2 year journey and it is exciting and sad it is almost finished but it has been 4 years since my last album this thing is gonna bring the thunder chuddy!!

Tonight in Columbus

2008-05-01T05:45:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody welcome to my blog. Tonight I performed the first night of my week at the Columbus funny bone. Quick back story almost a year ago I did a showcase show in columbus at the very same club and it took my career in a incredible new direction Dave Stroupe runs the club and a showcase looking for new talent every month and he decided to book me. He books ten A clubs across the country so I went to dayton and found V who built my new website which is awesome and got my chance to set foot on stage at my first improv comedy club and auditioned for the montreal comedy fest.
So here I am back where it all started opening for Nick Griffen really funny comic who incidentally one of the first comics I every opened for when I started my comedy career in minneapolis. And the crazy things don't end there another comic was auditioning in the first show Jeff Caldwell the comic i opened for in indianapolis when I recorded my new album journey to the SMILF's. It is an awesome night of new beginnings and things coming full circle. I stayed and did the urban show which just means a lot of black people I was a little scared but I killed what a crazy night. Chat again soon.

Newest addition!

2008-04-30T13:55:00.001-07:00

The new personal bog of Mark Poolos. He will be posting in his free time during his travels on the road, so if you want the latest, or just to be nosey, be sure to check back!