I am a Road Comic.

Just wanted to share a story from last night. I was in a small town of Missouri and by showtime the room was empty. The owner was very upset and understandably, he still has to pay us and he makes no money. Anyhow as I was walking out the door two ladies in their mid 50's came running in begging for the show to go on. They explained they had watched my videos all day and rented a car to come and see my show. I looked at the feature act, who I had met 6 mins earlier and we both had the same love of comedy and we decided in one look it was showtime.

I have been a comedian for almost 15 years. I have done shows for 2 people and 2000 people. I am the rare comic that can do 60 mins squeaky clean and 60 filthy and they are both just as funny. I have spent my career on the road cutting my teeth in horrible rooms learning this craft. I will put any road comic up against a comic that learned their craft in NYC or LA. If you have not done a show in Spokane Valley and performed for 6 people and wanted to jump out a window I have nothing to talk to you about. Yes I would love to get a late night show or a sit-com but that may not be in the cards for me but I am ok with that. I have been able to support my family with my words and my creativity, which is amazing. I keep writing and I keep learning and I love this business.

Back to last night, so we did the show and by the end there were about 12 people and it was so much fun. I walked off stage and the one lady that wanted the show gave me a $100 hand shake. She pulled me and said "Thank you so much I know you did not have to do that and you did anyway, you made me and my friends night". That is why I do this, and I am a road comic, I say that with pride, any comic can kill with a Saturday early show at any comedy club or theater across this country, try killing with two old ladies in a bar restaurant in Missouri.

what does corperate clean mean?

so alittle while back i was working at a comedy club in kansas city near chirstmas time and usually around christmas time they have corperate parties that buy out the comedy club and we need to do a show refered to in the business as "corperate clean". Now this just means no swear words, no overly sexual material pretty easy right? Well for one comic on the show it turned out to be more diffacult than he has anticipated. Our mc skip told us he did not have a clean set so what should he do? I said less is more don't say anything to cause problems he said ok got it. Then he proceeds to go on stage and say fuck 10 times and the n-word 11 times, needless to say he was reprimanded and told he was not allowed to do material the next night all he was allowed to do was announcments. So the next night he goes up and does just annoucments and gets off then after me he starts talking about how his wife is on meds that make her shit so when they have sex she poops on his alot. I was in shock i thought he had lost his mind he walk off the stage and the manager says "your fired" he said "thank you" and left. You got to admire him for standing up for dirty comedy. see ya next time kids chubby!!!!

My friends at the gym

I just recently started to work out I decided that when I got winded going down the stairs it was time to do something. So when I signed up at the gym I got a free training session with a trainer to teach me the right exercises to reach my goals. When I met the guy he looked just like me. I started to question this guy, oh so I guess I get the fat guy for the free one then when I start paying then I get the guy who is in shape? I mean seriously what are you gonna teach me how to do just enough to get by? The best way to order pizza, come on. He was very put off by my questions he said I am a licensed trainer! I said are the people at the licensing bureau blind? So needless to say I have been doing it on my own and just enjoying the people that come to the gym. My favorites from the last three months, the guy who worked out in jeans and dress shirt way to be half in and half out. The tiny Asian lady that came in and just hit the treadmill like she was training for the iron man running like a 100 for 30 mins straight. The fat guy who fell off the bike, and the lady who was eating a sandwich on the elliptical machine. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my weight loss 16 pounds so far see ya next time chubby!!

Hookers Milwaukee Style

Hey everybody sorry it has been so long since my last blog I have been busy with my lady and family stuff but I just recently working in Milwaukee and something happened that I needed to share. I was working with a very funny comic named Todd Lynn from LA and we were staying in the condo the comedy club put us up in and needless to say the area where the condo is not the best place not crack houseish but kinda bad. So the first day Todd was sitting outside on the front step enjoying the day and I should preface this story Todd doesn't see too well, but anyways an old man who I would guess is homeless or close to it asks him for a couple bucks Todd obliges and jokingly says "Don't you come around here anymore unless you got some hookers".
After the shows the next night me and Todd are in living room watching TV when you guessed it knock on the front door. I get up to see this guy and what I can only describe as fat Albert in woman form, the homeless guy says "Todd home?" I inform Todd his buddy brought him a hooker Todd laughed so hard he almost passed out he asked me what she looked like and I told him a woman fat Albert so he gets up and speaks to the guy I listen in I hear broken sentences like Hooker: "I take it in the butt" Todd: "That is not sweeten the deal". Hooker: "I'm real good you wanna sample?" Todd: "No thanks" Hooker: "What is your problem?" Todd: "I like my hookers to look like women" Hooker: "This big coat is covering up my body look at these tits" Todd: "All I see is two fat rolls with nipples" so after that comment some swear words flew on both sides and they left Todd came back in and we finished watching sex and the city. Fif Chubby!!!

here comes 2009

Hey everybody I have not posted a blog in 3 months sorry. Lots has happened I spend my thanksgiving in new york with my oldest sister and her family. My three nieces are doing awesome you may know the twins my niece Rebecca O'donahue was on America Idol and both the twins have been in Twins Fear Factor, Rescue Me, and just recently "Now I pronounce you Chuck and Larry" with Adam Sandler. Look for there new film "Mardi Gras" coming out this fall. It was a nice thanksgiving had some drinks and my brother-in-law grilled the turkey outside (guess it is a new york thing). It was funny he puts on his best thanksgiving sweater and goes to work. Well the sweater was just washed and dried so when he leaned in to light the BBQ he lit himself on fire. You ever been at a party and just for fun you light a person's sock on fire and all the lint balls burn off? Imagine if that was a sweater and that is what he did. I looked out the window and saw him rolling in the yard and asked my sister if that was a thanksgiving tradition.

On the way home from that trip I got some bad news my dad was in the hospital with heart failure cause by pneumonia he was in the hospital for 7 days but he pulled through man that old Greek is strong "they hit'em with five shots and he's still alive!" for you godfather fans out there. Spent December with My dad, family and my girlfriend Anita. I had an awesome Christmas and New Years. I got a GPS for Christmas I will never look at a map again the best part is looking stuff up when your in a new town you know how long I would spend looking in the yellow pages for porn now it finds it for me so great what a time saver.

Me and Anita are still doing great I love her so much she is such an incredible person so caring and thoughtful oh and a knock out I am a very lucky man. She makes me laugh so hard she is so goofy like me we are a great fit. I had a show in a small town where I was headlining and she was there watching the show and she said something as we walked back to our room that made me think "it is kinda weird being with the comic" I said how so? she said "well most of my life people were with me like hey your with Anita that is awesome and at the show I'm with you does that make sense?" course at this point I am 4 jager bombs and nine beers in so I had no idea what she was saying but I agreed cause I wanted to see her naked but I get it now. We have talked about it since and I understand what she is saying because she is so great people always wanna be around her because she is out going and beautiful she really does light the room however that all takes a back seat when Papa Poolos rocks a comedy show just kidding. Stand up comedy is interesting though because like being in a band, stand up comedy is a very immediate cause and effect you do the show seconds later people can fawn over you and then a day later your yesterday's news. But it must be weird for people to date or marry a comic because even with acting in a show or a movie people can say hey great job playing that part in the movie but in stand up comedy and I think only in stand up is your show all about you, your points of view, your life and then people can respond to what you did so quickly. So for a couple hours in oconomawac, wi your a celebrity. I realize full well that most of the time I am with Anita however for those 2 hours when I am on stage rocking it and after the show I am shaking hands and selling shirts and being treated like a cured cancer ....................
..........she is with the comic sorry baby :p.

until next time people chubby!!!

Love and the road

So here we are me and Anita are coming up on our 6 month anniversary crazy how time flies seems like we just met yesterday. When I am home we spent tons of time together I even sleep in a click clack sofa bed which is uncomfortable but I would sleep in it every night if it meant being close to my baby.

But right now it is tough cause I am on a 3 week road tour of Canada and this will be the longest we have been apart since we met. I miss her a lot everyday and I feel so lucky that she completely supports my career and she is dealing with me being gone a lot. This is also the first time in 5 years I have had a serious girl friend and people always say "oh you'll cheat" but I won't. I mean it is not like there are not beautiful women every where but I am not a cheater never have been I think you're either a cheater or you're not. Plus I have a huge guilty conscience (thanks mom) I mean it is huge last night I had a dream a dream that a women wanted my man milk and I turned her down in my dream damn Anita your hot ass is ruining my dreams but in a good way he he.

She is also dealing my family curse really well too. If you don't know my family is cursed with mild bad luck it is called getting "Poolosed" nothing horrible mostly things like we get the bad waiter, lose our keys, car breaks and most time it is ironic stuff like we wanna go to my girl friends favorite restaurant or bar and it is closed for remodeling. Sometimes it is bad last month we went to get a cat and I picked it out seemed like a good choice then I went on the road and it got sick and she had to return it. But I am so glad we found a new baby kitty he is a short hair tabby who we have named Mr. Burgandy after Will Farrel in Anchor Man.

I have two weeks left in Canada and then I head home to my hot lady. She is so amazing people always say sappy stuff like you'll know when it is love. But I have to tell you my friends you will know I can't imagine every not being with Anita, one time I had a dream we broke up and I woke up sick to my stomach and that is when I knew. That and when she showed me her boobies out of sight my man.

I love you Anita thanks again for finding me....

The monsoon, the crack house and the deer.

Last year I took a trip to Vegas with my brother and on the way I was going to do two gigs one in Shelby, wy and one in Colby, wy then it was off to Vegas on the way back I was going to do one gig in Malta, mt then head home on the road for seven days sounds easy enough well here comes the insanity.





Day One: Me and my brother decide to get a jump on our trip we will leave in the middle of the night and hit every casino on the way taking turns sleeping well we are on the road for 6 minutes and cue the hardest most violent rain storm every we keep going it takes 3 hours to make it 90 miles we make it to our first stop and rest for a bit. That was the first 3 hours and it gets way worse.

Day Two: The rain stops and we make some good time stop at deadwood and some other places it is a nice day we pull into Shelby, wy. We find our hotel provided by the comedy venue. I have had to stay at some bad hotels this one looked liked Lewis and Clark banged some prairie hoes in there in 1880. Spiders on the walls some one was murdered in the bathroom the room smelled like big foots dick lets say my brother was not happy he refused to sleep in the room so he slept in the car. At about 3am the police were knocking on his window asking him why he was sleeping in the car if he had a hotel room he just answered it's gross and went back to sleep, around 7am he showered at walmart and by showered I mean washed his balls in the bathroom with baby wipes.



Day three: On the road early after I showered with shoes and socks on and kissed the homeless guy goodbye who was living in the closet. After my show in Colby we decide to drive through the night again bad idea I fell asleep right away and my bro took truckers speed to stay awake when I woke up he so wired if he farted he would have flown out the window. I realized real quick we have a flat tire we get the spare on and the book says only go 50 miles and never exceed 60 miles an hour so here we are going 85 miles an hour and we have gone 100 miles so we are shitting cats looking for a tire place, luckily we find one get it fixed back on the road in 2 hours.





Day four - six: Vegas had a blast!!




Day seven: Do my show in Malta and decide to leave in the middle of the night quick tip never ever drive through Montana in the middle of the night we saw a hundred deer and it freaked us out so my brother and I decide we will flash our lights and honk our horn when we see a deer and that will keep them away we are idiots. So i guess honking the horn means "hey deer come run into my car" cause that is what happened we nailed a 12 point buck at 50 miles an hour and only lost the side mirror no shit we still don't know how we pulled that off. We sat at the next gas station looked over the car and soaked in all that had happened to us we laughed and decided as we climbed back into the car that maybe with all the bad things that had happened in the last seven days maybe we were quite lucky..... just then my brother backed into a light pole and we kept our mouths shut the rest of the way home.

that was all true......chat again soon chubby!!!